Avoid, avoid, avoid!

I'm such a procrastinator. I think it would do me a lot of good to have a computer without the Internet, so I could write papers for school without being tempted to do something else...like blogging. ;) Oh well.

**Just now a wave of guilt so intense comes over me that I actually just opened up Microsoft Word. There's a start.**

When the summer started coming to an end, I was pretty sad about it. It was so fun to not do much of anything and relax for once, but now that I'm getting into the swing of things, I'm starting to enjoy the busier side of life.

First, it's good to work out at least twice a day. Sometimes it's 4-5 times per day, and that gets a little exhausting, but it's still fun. I feel kinda bad, but especially with spin classes, I'm learning how to fake it pretty well. I still work, but not nearly as hard as the days I have more energy. I especially have to do this on Wednesdays since I teach two spin classes in a day, plus two others. Generally my nutrition habits are getting better as well. I'm not sure if I will ever rid myself of the sweet tooth, though. :D

Some of my classes this semester are a total bummer. I think I will have to change my major, since I'm finding out that my initial declaration was made without much knowledge of the subject and a much different perspective. Switching to Exercise and Sport Science will be a good move. I'm on a good track either way, though. That's a good change for once!

I'm so glad and proud of my most recent 'epiphany' about relationships. I feel that for many reasons, too many to list at the moment, my ideas about relationships and how they work are coming to a realistic perspective. One that I can deal with in a healthy way. I thought about that a lot especially last night after seeing the movie Becoming Jane. It was a great movie, and I especially liked the ending. I guess I never thought about Jane Austen's perspective after reading her books and seeing the movies based on them. They all have such a fairytale quality to them that is so enchanting. But you know what? Jane never found that in real life. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but one thing I do know is that I am a complete person right here, by myself, and on my own. The other is that I'm excited to meet the world with a brand new perspective of hope; for myself and for those around me.

It is definitely a good day. Now, back to homework. It's actually started, so I had better finish!

Being single...

So I've had a lot to think about lately, and it has had to do with my current status: single. Why is everyone my age married? Have I missed something? Or do I just live in the wrong city? Maybe I should just move to New York. If I complain about single status there, I'm certain someone would slap me across the face and tell me to get real. No one thinks about that stuff until you're at least 35. Apparently hillbilly-honkies like me do, I guess it could be due to the extreme cold in Wisconsin.

I feel like I have come to a realization, helped along by the aftermath of my last break-up. It was pretty bad, let's just say that. Bad enough that I just can't muster the energy to write about it. In past posts I'm pretty amazed with how I was able to write it off as something that wasn't that big of a deal to me, because it really was and still is in some ways.

The one thing I really learned this time is I've been in it for the wrong reasons for a long time. I've never been sincerely excited, or even in love with someone romantically. Period. I was excited and in love with the situation, not the person. Yes, I have cared deeply about the people I have dated (mostly) but I know I never got all the way to loving them unconditionally. There were always things I wanted to change, that were diabolical schemes for "later" when I gained more trust. How silly.

A lot of this stems from my religious background, and the fact I was raised to be a wife and mother, complete with lessons. So when I meet someone new, I somehow put them in this place where they don't belong...they might eventually, but just not yet. NOT FOR SAY, 5 YEARS. So instead of concentrating on the person, I concentrate on our situation and how great it is. And somehow I have been able to do this for a very long time without even realizing it. When a relationship is over, the history of it starts running through my mind, and I start thinking, "Why was I with this person in the first place? And why in the world did I think he was so incredible?" To me, it all stems from the fact that I was never concentrating on him, I was concentrating on US and how great that was.

With that in mind, I want to make sure that I keep up with my new realization, but I'm not sure where to start. A lifetime of one very whacked-out perspective might be a little difficult to break. I guess I just start with one day at a time?

Another day...

Another weekend out of the way...and I wasn't as productive as I meant to be...as usual. I guess I do the best that I can.

The band had a show on Friday night and it went well over all. It gets more and more fun as the shows go on, so that's really exciting. I feel so good being able to share with others something that I enjoy, and something that I'm good at. That's lucky.

It's hard to keep up with the studying, socializing and trying to keep time for myself. Even though it's nice to have time to just chill by myself on the weekends, I have to admit that I get lonely sometimes; more than usual. Yesterday I went to breakfast by myself and tried to enjoy it. I tell you, I'm trying to have fun with this alone time, but I've had so much of it, I'm not sure how long I can last. It feels like I'm going through some third-life crisis and my biological clock is ticking...except instead of wanting kids, I'm severely craving companionship. I know that I said in earlier posts I'm not trying to date right now, but it feels like it's all I want to do. This urge continues to grow stronger, and I'm not sure of what to do. By tomorrow, I'll be too busy to worry about any of this, so I guess that's a good thing. Should I start building an even busier schedule during the weekends so I can keep my mind off it? At least I wouldn't have it on my mind...

A quick minute...

I have a second to update...that's amazing!

A quick update for everyone:

1. I'm teaching fitness classes for the county Jail. Weird, I know. I had my first class and it went well...we did a boot camp style class and it ended up kicking my butt too!

2. After teaching several classes (including boot camp) I taught Salsa dancing. In high heels. I could barely walk the next day, but I really think it was worth it. I had such a great time, and the margarita I had after dancing was the most delicious margarita I have ever had.

3. I'm somehow keeping up pretty well with work and school. I'm kinda tired, but have been able to get to bed at a decent hour so...things are looking well so far!

4. Nothing is really going on in my personal life...aside from having fabulous friends. You know who you are. And that's just the way I want it to be!

So friends, I hope you have a great day. I tried to post a tacky, glittery image on to my blog to help show how much I mean it, but it didn't work. :p

Woah, Nelly!

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote. There's a good reason, I swear...I've been completely out of my mind busy since the Labor Day weekend.

Here are a few updates on what's been going on in my little world:

Professional I am now teaching 15-17 fitness classes a week. I team teach a few classes at the Y, so that's why there's a variation. Included in that is teaching 2 hours per week at the local jail. Creepy? Maybe. But the pay is good, and I do believe that everyone has the right to learn new ways to be healthy. Hopefully this will work out. It's a new program and I'm excited to be involved.

Academic School is back in session and it's going to be a long haul this semester. I will be needing to read and memorize a whole lot, which is much more labor intensive than spring. Hopefully cutting out my waitressing job will help keep me focused. I'm crossing my fingers.

Personal I'm taking a break from the social scene, especially dating. I have had some pretty bad experiences out here, and it all came to a head last weekend. Let me paint the picture for you: I'm out with my friends to see a band, and I've met a cool new guy. Suddenly, every single person I have been involved with since I moved here, were at the same place AT THE SAME TIME. It was not comfortable. At all. And there was drama. Not caused by me, might I add, but there was still drama, and I don't like it. So no dating for now. I don't have the time or patience for it, especially the attitude. I never thought I would meet people even more commitment-phobic than me, but in my hometown, I guess it comes with the territory.

Creative The band is chugging along. I went to see Reel Big Fish Labor Day weekend, and the show was a blast. Not only did I have fun, but I learned a lot from that band and the others that played before them. It gave me a lot of new ideas for showmanship that I really need. I'm excited to keep working on that.

I will try to keep this updated as well as I can, but I can't make any guarantees at this point. My vacation is over and it's time to get back to business!

Notes for My Next Trip

I've decided to put together a list of 'rules' for my next trip to Utah, or just in general. Here goes:

1. DO schedule time with friends. Time runs out faster than you think.
2. Restaurants in Salt Lake is better than home. EAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. (I succeeded very nicely on this one, may I add!)
3. Talk to Grandma more often. Give her a call once in a while. She's always got great advice.
4. Movies with friends you haven't seen in months are awesome. Because you talk the whole time and annoy everyone around you.
5. Mojitos made with tonic water are not as good as the real thing...but almost. As long as you add a lot of sugar.
6. Giving advice to your nephew about being a rock star, when you're drunk, has thus far been a really good idea.
7. Listening to weird 80's music (aka: Kate Bush) puts me in a lyric-writing mood.
8. Eating popcorn and watching the Disney channel all afternoon is a wonderful activity. Nieces must be included.
9. Trips to Home Depot are fun when you're with your sister. Even if it's for a sprinkler that you had just run over.
10. Sushi is amazing. I miss it.
11. Kill with kindness. Especially if it's an ex-boyfriend you're killing. Plus you will get a free meal out of it.
12. If you choose to have a Chile Verde burrito at the Red Iguana the day before you leave, remember: bathroom visits on an airplane and in the airport will be aplenty. :(
13. Choose row 13 seats on a plane. People are still really superstitious, so that means you'll have 3 seats all to yourself. Hello, naptime!
14. If you've got stuff on your mind, it doesn't go away just because you're on vacation.

That's pretty good for now, I'll make sure to add more if I think of them!

Again, it rains...

We have had some of the most incredible weather this weekend. It literally rained all night Friday, then all day Saturday. Not just some sprinkles here and there, steady, hard, rainfall until the wee hours on Sunday morning. Then, the clouds took a break for a few hours, and started again...it's still going pretty strong. Luckily my house didn't have any flooding issues, but there have been a lot around here that have. Yikes!

The weather reminds me of my sister...rainstorms would happen like this once a summer, and we would be stuck inside bored out of our minds. Our entertainment would always start like this:

Sis: "I'll race you from the front door to the corner and back."
Me: "Give me a head start. You're bigger." ;)
Sis: "Fine, fine, I'll open the door for you and let you go first. Go!"

She would always win. BUT, once we got back into the house, we'd look at each other and say, "Well, we're already wet, so...let's play in the rain!" Those were great days. We would practice the dance of joy, perfected by Balky and Larry from 'Perfect Strangers'. Anyone remember that TV show? It was one of my favorites growing up:



So, I have very fond memories of rainy days. Even though the rain made our gigs a lot harder to load and unload, the rain made me think of my sis that I love dearly. I can't wait to see her this week! I'll be out west very soon, friends!

Sweat!

Well, the gig this weekend was incredible. There was a good amount of people that were there, and they all loved us! Our energy on stage could have been a little more dramatic, but we played really well and that's what matters most. I was particularly proud of the fact I barely made any mistakes...

I forgot how much I love performing. Our new drummer was really fun to perform with, and interacted with me more than anyone else in the band. That's what you get when you've got a veteran to play with I guess. There's one song that I sing lead on, and the lead singer plays bass. A lot of people told me that was their favorite song...which is cool I guess...but I don't want to be a lead singer! It was really fun to be out there though...I tried to be like Steven Tyler and it seemed to work. Good thing I'm such a spaz. :D

The worst part about the whole thing was seeing our old drummer and trying to be friendly. She tries to act like nothing is wrong, nothing happened, and we're still good friends. It really annoys me, and I want to say something to her, but on the other hand, I don't want to be a drama queen. Can't we just be cordial, say 'hi' to each other when we pass, and that be it? I have already told her I am not interested in being friends with her; she's a liar and a cheat and I don't care to associate with those types of people. When will she learn?

The other downer was how damn hot it was on that stage. It felt like it was 200 degrees...I was dripping and gross...here I go again re-visiting my sweat post. Goodness. I didn't feel so bad about it in this situation, though...it was really that hot. All my makeup was promptly melted off after the first two songs. Yuck.

The rest of the weekend was great. I ate a lot of junk food, sang by the campfire, and had some great conversations with friends. I can't wait for next Saturday...two shows in one day! Rock on!

Schedule...

It seems as though August is going to be a very busy month. I am excited things are picking up a little, although I'm sure I will talk about my dog days of summer when I did whatever I wanted...and had time to do it! I went on campus yesterday for some supplies and it will be good to be back.

I'm starting to substitute teach for a lot more classes and am really enjoying it. I taught my first full Hatha Yoga class yesterday and in the middle, I started to panic. At that point, I wasn't sure if I had enough poses planned to fill the class time! Luckily, I was able to push through and the class went well...without a hitch even! One of the participants let me know she enjoyed the class and new poses. It's great to be validated! When I teach Power Yoga next week, I'll have to be sure to be prepared for that one...time to consult with my Dad's Rodney Yee tapes. Ha! Next Wednesday will be the litmus test: I will be teaching 5 classes in one day. 2 spin, 2 pilates, and one pilates/yoga fusion. Wish me luck!

I also have a Zumba demo today and I'm super pumped about it. I worked with my boss on Zumba on Wednesday and I think I blew her away. She's really nervous and unsure, but to me it feels just like the dancing at the clubs I used to go to, so it's natural. I never thought those days would reap any more than a buch of good stories to tell about wild times. Who knew!

After band practice last night, my roommate and I decided it would be a good idea to go out. A local bar was having ladies night...$.50 drinks. ALL DRINKS. The place was packed, but it was definitely good people watching. When we got home, we sat on the kitchen floor and ate leftover pizza and worked on song lyrics. It was awesome. One song was about cats licking their butts. In this way in particular...I call it 'playing the cello'.

I don't think that one will ever make it to a record. What do you think? The one thing I know is there's nothing like drunken songwriting...nothing!

Other than that, our big gig is tomorrow and I'm excited...but I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I have a feeling I will be bringing several outfits tomorrow just in case. Sometimes I feel like a vain monster, but hey...I'm performing in front of lots of people. What I'm wearing is of great importance!

Melting

It's hot as balls out here. I work up a sweat playing guitar hero if my hair is down. I did the dishes this morning and after, you would have thought I had just come back from a 5-mile run. I can't stop sweating, and I'm going crazy! I feel like this guy:



Yes, my roommate and I could turn on the air conditioning, but we're college students. I'd rather have beer and ice cream, than have the money to pay for AC. If I really need some reprieve, then I can hoof it over to my parent's house where they've had the AC on since April. There was a 70-degree day sometime in April, so naturally my mother forced my father to turn on the air conditioning. My parents must have good circulation because man, they're skinny. You would think they might enjoy some heat once in a while, but hey...I can't complain since I'll be there soon enjoying their cool breezed home.

I really hope that it cools down before the weekend...I don't know how I'll make it through our show in this heat! And who wants to watch a woman play in her own pool of sweat? I'm sure those people are out there, but I really don't want them to watch...that would be pretty creepy. :p

But is sweating that bad? Maybe not. I'd like to think it's sexy. That's what I'll tell myself, anyway. Even though I may feel gross, I will pretend I look fabulous. Because:

Rock Star Action!

I'm so excited. The band is finally back into the gig scene...first gig since April 20th is this Saturday!

Initially, I was downright pissed with the old drummer for creating the situation that she did (stealing the lead singer's husband, even!) but I'm finally glad. Our new drummer kicks her ass in every way. Now the strongest part of the band is the rhythm section...the drums and ME.

Vain? Yes. Going to go practice some more? Absolutely.

It's raining, it's pouring...

One of the last days with the familia in town, and naturally it's raining. I decided to take a hiatus for a while and go home...you know to make love to the Internet like I usually do for hours every day. No matter what I'm doing, I have to have my Internet time. I'd die without it.

Plus, I really don't want to be cooped up all day in my parents' very small house occupied with way too many people. I almost went ballistic yesterday, so let me explain.

"The next food network star", I mean my 6-year old niece, continues to berate me with her picnics. This includes explanation of how she makes everything. EVERY STEP COUNTS. Good for her, she's got a great imagination, but I really don't need to know her version of key lime pie. Especially six times a day.

Then, the little one, so cute, but man. She cried through the entire dinner last night. For no good reason. It was such a good dinner too, so very delicious and nutritious since my mom made it, but I couldn't enjoy it. I even contemplating doing very drastic things to get whatever was bothering the baby to go away. Puke on her head, perhaps? Maybe that would be a good enough distraction. I don't know. I'm obviously no mother.

Now that I've vented I guess I feel a little bad about being so negative about my family on here. It's just that I don't really know how my sister does it. With all the screaming and whining, there come a lot of hugs and kisses too. Those are nice. And maybe my little chef of a niece will actually be a chef someday somewhere fancy and I can eat there for free. That would be nice too.

On a more figurative note, a downpour of attention is coming from an extremely unexpected source. My old ex, the one that I thought I could marry for a while, is suddenly back in touch. He wants to play the "what if" game. I think he's setting himself up for disaster. So what do I do? I've been told by some to ignore. But I think that would be rude. The thing is, I'm so damn happy we're not together it will probably hurt his feelings. Is there any other recourse, though?

Family 101

Well, my big sis is in town for her annual trek to visit the midwest. It's so good to see her and her kids, although I still just don't know how parents do it. I was with the children for about three hours yesterday and I thought I just might pull my hair out.

The oldest is getting pretty cool. He's not like a normal thirteen year old, and that's pretty refreshing. It's not all embarrassment when he has to be out with adults, and he enjoys spending time with his insane grandparents. What a good kid.

Then, there's the six year old, who begged me all afternoon to "go to a restaurant" because she was so hungry. Damn girl, you weren't hungry when we left, where does this hunger come from? Even though she eats like a bird, her current ambition is to be the 'Next Food Network Star'. I think she likes pretending to cook, because she does so with a bad British accent. Yes, very cute for five minutes. Not for two hours.

Then, there's the eighteen month old, who's cute as a button. She knows words and speaks quite well, but usually opts for a whiny grunt instead. Charming.

All in all though, they're great kids and it's good to spend time with them. I guess I'm turning into a cranky old hag! Ha!

Semi-productiveness...

...if that's even a word. Since I've been on vacation and not working full time, I've tried to create projects for myself. This weekend I worked on one of them, and it's almost finished! I inherited an old two-drawer dresser while in Salt Lake and decided I wanted to make it pretty. I figured I would just strip all the paint off, then stain it.

Well, these projects seem to be easier planned than followed through with. After stripping half the dresser, I found that it's not all the same wood. Damn! So that means it HAS to be painted. But it has at least five coats of paint: blue, red, yellow, white, and black. Naturally, black is the topcoat. So I sanded the hell out of the dresser this weekend, to even out all the paint, stripping, and years of abuse. It took me several hours. Luckily my parents let me use their power sanders, that helped a lot. There is a fair amount of detail on the dresser, though, so all of that needed to be sanded by hand. Finally, I was able to get two coats of primer on it, and I think it needs one more. That black paint just won't cover up!

The funny part about all this is I ended up hanging out with my parents for most of the day. I don't know what had gotten into them, but they just refused to get along. They kept on bickering about extension chords. Yes, EXTENSION CORDS. Wedded bliss! :D

On a totally random note, last night I stayed up late and watched the last stage of the Tour de France. I'm so proud of team Discovery! First and third place...that was awesome. Also, that little Levi is totally adorable, I think I have a new crush. What is it with me and bike shorts these days? Damn!

Sweet, sweet releif...

Finally my patience has paid off. There is closure and a friendship remains with my now ex-boyfriend. We had a long talk yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

I care about him a lot. The only guarantees we gave to each other is that we will be friends; the best friends we can be to each other. I hope he is able to take the time to figure out who he is and appreciate all the things about him that make him unique. The best part about last night, I think is that he was really apologetic about how he dealt with everything. He knows he hurt my feelings a lot, and is very sorry.

This whole process has helped me figure out how to deal with relationships in a different way. In the past, I have usually (by usually, I mean ALWAYS) taken things too personally and overreacted. Boy, was I good a overreacting. Through it all, this time I have decided to only change the things I can, and accept the things I can't change. There is no way around this break-up, and I have two choices: chalk up the time we had together as a waste and loose a friend, or set aside my pride and keep a friend. I choose the latter.

I think that friendship will be a little more awkward than I think it will be, at least at first. I gave him a big hug when he left last night and, I don't know...part of me wanted to keep on hugging him. I've definitely got to work on that, for several reasons. I can't put my life on hold for him. I don't know how long this process will take. I don't know what he will want in the future; I may not be a part of it more than as a friend. And, I'm already hanging out with other people, and it wouldn't be fair to them if I'm still emotionally attached to my ex. I think it's about establishing new habits. We'll see how I do with that. I know I must be consistent.

On a bittersweet note, one of my friends got in a car accident yesterday. Luckily she wasn't hurt, but financially she will be strapped for a while. That sucks! What was positive about the whole thing is that she had a bunch of people over, and we had a fantastic time. You know that guy I hung out with before? Yeah, I mentioned him...it was another long, long evening. We watched the best movie of all time...Dumb and Dumber. And the evening wasn't quite as tame as last week... ;) And now I have every right to do exactly what I did last night! Ha!

What can I say...I tend to have post breakup extravaganzas. First was the go-out-and-party-with-my-girls post breakup extravaganza, then the workout post breakup extravaganza, and now up, the make-out-with-cute-boys-that-give-me-back rubs post breakup extravaganza...what's next? Who knows? The one guarantee I have for you is it WILL be interesting!

Compulsive

I think I'm a compulsive eater. I want to eat all the time. And it's not just one thing, like ice cream. I want burgers. French fries. Taco Bell. Brownies. Ice Cream. The works.

There are things that I don't enjoy eating, like donuts. I'm just not much of a fan anymore. After working in an office environment for about 4 years, I've had my fill and will pretty much always say no. But I can't say no to a chili dog. With cheese.

So I compulsively exercise to make up for the eating. Especially now that I've gotten into biking, I work out for several hours at a time. It's my job too. I've been working on my schedule for the fall, and find that I will be teaching at least three hours of fitness classes per day. Some are one right after the other.

I guess the thing that is running through my mind at the moment is, "Is this behavior healthy?" I eat everything I want and do not limit myself. But I work it off and sometimes, then some. The more I work out, the more I want to eat, weather it's my mom's super healthy food or a pizza. The whole "calories in--calories out" mantra of weight loss is working for me, but am I doing it in a healthy way? It makes me wonder sometimes.

I think about some of my friends that are struggling with weight loss, and I wonder, is it fair? What am I doing that sets me apart? Because I don't struggle with my weight, and even if I compulsively eat, my body doesn't show it. How many people will be frustrated and pissed when they find out I'm a size 4 and eat whatever the hell I want? I guess I'd just have to remind them the hours I work out. The many, many hours of me sweating on that bike, and in front of at least 50 people per day, teaching them how to battle the bulge.

As a fitness professional, am I setting a good example?

Post-breakup workout extravaganza!

Sometimes breaking up is good for the soul...sometimes it's good for the body too. After breakups, I tend to work out. More than normal...say several times a day.

I always feel as though my head clears when I am being active. I don't obsess about things I can't change, and am very accepting of my situation. Take yesterday for example...I offer to sub for a group strength class at 7:30am on a Saturday. That's dedication. Plus, I've got a Pilates/Yoga class to teach at 10am, just enough time in between to catch a snack and have a quick convo with my parents. Then, it's off to the trail to bike. We took it easy and only rode 25 miles, but still another couple hours of workout just to make sure the mind is clear. And to make sure I'm busy.

I was going to do a group ride today, but I don't think I'm physically or mentally ready. After four hours of solid workouts to include weight lifting, pilates, yoga, and cycling, I think my body needs a break. And this group ride is one that the ex and I used to do, so I'm just not ready to jump back into that scene.

Now to combat the soreness from the weight training...

Taking matters into my own hands...

If I had avid readers, I probably wouldn't have posted my last entry. I can just bet that there are many in this world that would have thought I am a horrible person. Whore, yes. But horrible person, I just can't live with that sort of shame.

So I have taken matters into my own hands, and have officially broken up with someone over the internet. I can't believe it. What does this make me? I'm just not sure, but I have to accept my fate noneltheless. A fate that definitely keeps me guessing. I offered friendship in this e-mail, but how will that happen? Do I now have just some old internet friend? We e-mail once a month just to be cordial? I guess we will see what happens.

I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My legs, however, are not feeling the same. You see, I biked 54 miles yesterday, and promptly after the ride, taught a spin class. Usually this isn't so bad (you just get used to it) but I crashed yesterday. Big bruises everywhere. Beautiful legs, beautiful bruises. Too bad they hurt like hell!

A question of morality...

So my blogging thus far has been sporatic at best. I should do this more often since I have time...it's summer and I don't have a whole lot to do since I quit my full time job. I hate restaurants, or at least working in them full time. I'm now just teaching fitness classes and living off of my student loan from last sememster. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but it keeps me sane.

So now I get to the title of my post...a question of morality. Let me give some background information:

So I've been dating someone for 2 months. It was going along very nicely, I thought he is the nicest guys I have dated (at least in a very long time). I was sitting pretty, just ready for this relationship to blossom. It blossomed quickly, on his terms, and it didn't take long for me to give in to his ways. This is how it always happens, but I wanted to trust this fellow. He's a nice guy. It will all work out, right?

Wrong. A few weeks ago, things started to change. I felt as though I went from priority one to the bottom of the list. Not good. After several intense conversations, there was still no resolve. I received an e-mail from him a week ago explaining a lot of things. It also had an invitation to talk about it more, but it also seemed to be a bit of a break-up e-mail. Yeah, I know. The worldwide web really sucks in the dating world. Unfortunately for me, this is not the first time this has happened.

So, I reply to his e-mail, accepting his invitation to talk. I was friendly. I was nice. I even said that I was happy that we had some time to think about the whole situation. I also called a few days later to just see how he is. The problem is, he hasn't made any effort to contact me since.

The reason why we aren't currently together is that he realized that he doesn't know how to be alone, hence the speedy courtship with me. He was ready to have someone, anyone there. He knew he had to change. I've been through this myself, and it's hard to go through. But it really is worth it in the end. I don't see this as a problem, it is what it is. My choice is how do I react to the situation? I choose to take the calm, peaceful route.

I have a sincere desire to talk to him for many reasons. To tell him that I respect what he's doing. That I really do want to be there for him, and I understand where he's coming from. That unlike the last time we talked, I feel like I am able to have a relationship with him while he's going through this. It would be a relationship of friendship for sure, because you can't exactly discover who you are alone if you're in a serious relationship. I feel like it would be such a waste to throw our friendship away because of this. Life isn't black and white.

So, it's been two weeks since I've seen him. I feel like he's no longer my boyfriend. But we haven't talked about it, so where do I stand? I understand that I need to give him space and I want to do that. But don't we need to have a conversation about our relationship and tie up loose strings? I've tried to contact him, but to no avail. I mean, I can't get all psycho and stalk his house. It's just not my style. And if he doesn't call me back, it's not my bad. I don't have the time to call him every day. Plus, that would be pretty psycho too.

I am emotionally detatching. I went on a casual date with someone else last night. It didn't feel wrong. We stayed up until 4am watching MTV and talking and laughing...but nothing else happened. I would have felt like that would have been wrong. Because even though I haven't talked to this other guy in two weeks, there seems to be some sort of thing in my head saying, "You have a boyfriend." But what kind of boyfriend is he? One that to date, hasn't called me in more than two weeks. And has said that he would. I just don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing. But what is the right thing to do here? I need to move on, weather or not homeboy is man enough to own up and work on salvaging our friendship. What to do....

A new leaf...

Even though I am no longer in my beloved office, I will keep my posts as an archive...mostly to remember exactly why I decided to come back to school as a 28 year old wannabe something or other...

So here I am, back at home. First, it's FUCKING COLD. The one winter I decide to come home and go to school where I have to walk everywhere it's colder than cold. Why is that? That's right, it's because I'm the luckiest woman on the planet. Got it.

Other than the horrendously chilly weather, things have really come into place in my hometown. Even though I don't really have any close friends yet, I feel pretty connected and feel that there is a lot of possibility with who I associate with. People actually call back 'round here in these parts...and it's absolutely refreshing.

One of the things I'm most excited about is being in a band. Yes, a BAND. We even performed this weekend, so I'm officially a rock star. For real. Yes, I'm a local rock star, with no label, but I'm a rock star nonetheless. I don't care what you say. And the band...the beloved band is all women. With all female groups, you never know quite how long they will last, but we're all so laid back it works well...at this point I'm pretty confident that all the members are really excited and willing to work hard...because being a rock star really is a beautiful thing.

Of course I would never let anything like being showered with compliments make my ego grow to exponential sizes, but really...it's so nice to be able to be good at something and share it with others. Plus the parties are kick ass! Ha!

This is really an update of sorts, I've been itching to blog, so hopefully some more funny anecdotes will be floating along here soon....(and if they don't, just remember I'm inherently lazy and decided to forget about it!)