Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Being single...

So I've had a lot to think about lately, and it has had to do with my current status: single. Why is everyone my age married? Have I missed something? Or do I just live in the wrong city? Maybe I should just move to New York. If I complain about single status there, I'm certain someone would slap me across the face and tell me to get real. No one thinks about that stuff until you're at least 35. Apparently hillbilly-honkies like me do, I guess it could be due to the extreme cold in Wisconsin.

I feel like I have come to a realization, helped along by the aftermath of my last break-up. It was pretty bad, let's just say that. Bad enough that I just can't muster the energy to write about it. In past posts I'm pretty amazed with how I was able to write it off as something that wasn't that big of a deal to me, because it really was and still is in some ways.

The one thing I really learned this time is I've been in it for the wrong reasons for a long time. I've never been sincerely excited, or even in love with someone romantically. Period. I was excited and in love with the situation, not the person. Yes, I have cared deeply about the people I have dated (mostly) but I know I never got all the way to loving them unconditionally. There were always things I wanted to change, that were diabolical schemes for "later" when I gained more trust. How silly.

A lot of this stems from my religious background, and the fact I was raised to be a wife and mother, complete with lessons. So when I meet someone new, I somehow put them in this place where they don't belong...they might eventually, but just not yet. NOT FOR SAY, 5 YEARS. So instead of concentrating on the person, I concentrate on our situation and how great it is. And somehow I have been able to do this for a very long time without even realizing it. When a relationship is over, the history of it starts running through my mind, and I start thinking, "Why was I with this person in the first place? And why in the world did I think he was so incredible?" To me, it all stems from the fact that I was never concentrating on him, I was concentrating on US and how great that was.

With that in mind, I want to make sure that I keep up with my new realization, but I'm not sure where to start. A lifetime of one very whacked-out perspective might be a little difficult to break. I guess I just start with one day at a time?

1 comment:

Eliza said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog...I am glad to know you are keeping up on me! I had no idea you were bloggin' too! Sounds like your life is BUSY and "slow" at times! Remember you have a fan in Colorado... maybe soon to be chiacgo... looking out for ya!