Monday, July 03, 2006

The Toilet Paper Bandit

Using the facilities at work has always been troubling for me. For most people, I know they feel the same way I do. I have the hardest time peeing, let alone anything that has to do with #2, in the work commode. Because if someone acutally heard me use the toilet, I would absolutely die. Especially my boss. The CEO is the worst, though. She would most definitely think less of me if she heard me pee. I would get fired (on the spot!) if I had to poop while she was in the bathroom. I'm convinced of it. On my way to the bathroom, I have to convince myself it's ok. I literally have to talk myself into walking to the bathroom. Unfortunately, there is that small handful of people that don't have the same issues as I do. They think going to the bathroom in a public place is natural. What the fuck are they smoking?

First of all, there was my first week at work. I was in the bathroom washing my hands. I had successfuly done my business without anyone bothering me. A co-worker walks in, starts a conversation with me, then continues talking as she enters a stall. She took a shit while talking to me and didn't even skip a beat. Meanwhile, I was turning red and wondering how to get the fuck out of dodge. I still think of that whenever I see her. It was that apalling.

Second, there is a person in the office that uses a pile of toilet paper the size of Mount Everest. The problem is, she deposits said TP at the front of the toilet, and after flushing, the paper stays. Flush after flush, it won't go down. It's always in the same stall, and I have learned to avoid that stall period. When I first started, I tried to be nice and tried to alleviate the problem. The only thing I would do without completely grossing myself out was to keep flushing the toilet over and over, hoping that the water would eventually push the TP in a position that was close enough to get it all the way down the drain and out of my life. The TP wouldn't budge. Hence the complete avoidance of the third toilet from the left, 'cuz who wants to hover over soggy, used TP? It's just gross. Plus, I wonder if she notices, or if she is blind to the piles of TP she leaves for her co-workers. I still need to find out who is the culprit of this travesty, and think of something more creative than toilet-papering her house to get back at her.

So yes, I'm that weirdo at work that checks out the bathroom before they use it. There are many trips I take to that loathed destination in which my plan to actually use the facilities is aborted. I end up pretending to fix my hair or blow my nose...sometimes I'll just turn around and walk out. It's the least I could do, because if someone's in there, they fucking need their privacy just like I do. I'm just trying to be considerate.