Semi-productiveness...

...if that's even a word. Since I've been on vacation and not working full time, I've tried to create projects for myself. This weekend I worked on one of them, and it's almost finished! I inherited an old two-drawer dresser while in Salt Lake and decided I wanted to make it pretty. I figured I would just strip all the paint off, then stain it.

Well, these projects seem to be easier planned than followed through with. After stripping half the dresser, I found that it's not all the same wood. Damn! So that means it HAS to be painted. But it has at least five coats of paint: blue, red, yellow, white, and black. Naturally, black is the topcoat. So I sanded the hell out of the dresser this weekend, to even out all the paint, stripping, and years of abuse. It took me several hours. Luckily my parents let me use their power sanders, that helped a lot. There is a fair amount of detail on the dresser, though, so all of that needed to be sanded by hand. Finally, I was able to get two coats of primer on it, and I think it needs one more. That black paint just won't cover up!

The funny part about all this is I ended up hanging out with my parents for most of the day. I don't know what had gotten into them, but they just refused to get along. They kept on bickering about extension chords. Yes, EXTENSION CORDS. Wedded bliss! :D

On a totally random note, last night I stayed up late and watched the last stage of the Tour de France. I'm so proud of team Discovery! First and third place...that was awesome. Also, that little Levi is totally adorable, I think I have a new crush. What is it with me and bike shorts these days? Damn!

Sweet, sweet releif...

Finally my patience has paid off. There is closure and a friendship remains with my now ex-boyfriend. We had a long talk yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

I care about him a lot. The only guarantees we gave to each other is that we will be friends; the best friends we can be to each other. I hope he is able to take the time to figure out who he is and appreciate all the things about him that make him unique. The best part about last night, I think is that he was really apologetic about how he dealt with everything. He knows he hurt my feelings a lot, and is very sorry.

This whole process has helped me figure out how to deal with relationships in a different way. In the past, I have usually (by usually, I mean ALWAYS) taken things too personally and overreacted. Boy, was I good a overreacting. Through it all, this time I have decided to only change the things I can, and accept the things I can't change. There is no way around this break-up, and I have two choices: chalk up the time we had together as a waste and loose a friend, or set aside my pride and keep a friend. I choose the latter.

I think that friendship will be a little more awkward than I think it will be, at least at first. I gave him a big hug when he left last night and, I don't know...part of me wanted to keep on hugging him. I've definitely got to work on that, for several reasons. I can't put my life on hold for him. I don't know how long this process will take. I don't know what he will want in the future; I may not be a part of it more than as a friend. And, I'm already hanging out with other people, and it wouldn't be fair to them if I'm still emotionally attached to my ex. I think it's about establishing new habits. We'll see how I do with that. I know I must be consistent.

On a bittersweet note, one of my friends got in a car accident yesterday. Luckily she wasn't hurt, but financially she will be strapped for a while. That sucks! What was positive about the whole thing is that she had a bunch of people over, and we had a fantastic time. You know that guy I hung out with before? Yeah, I mentioned him...it was another long, long evening. We watched the best movie of all time...Dumb and Dumber. And the evening wasn't quite as tame as last week... ;) And now I have every right to do exactly what I did last night! Ha!

What can I say...I tend to have post breakup extravaganzas. First was the go-out-and-party-with-my-girls post breakup extravaganza, then the workout post breakup extravaganza, and now up, the make-out-with-cute-boys-that-give-me-back rubs post breakup extravaganza...what's next? Who knows? The one guarantee I have for you is it WILL be interesting!

Compulsive

I think I'm a compulsive eater. I want to eat all the time. And it's not just one thing, like ice cream. I want burgers. French fries. Taco Bell. Brownies. Ice Cream. The works.

There are things that I don't enjoy eating, like donuts. I'm just not much of a fan anymore. After working in an office environment for about 4 years, I've had my fill and will pretty much always say no. But I can't say no to a chili dog. With cheese.

So I compulsively exercise to make up for the eating. Especially now that I've gotten into biking, I work out for several hours at a time. It's my job too. I've been working on my schedule for the fall, and find that I will be teaching at least three hours of fitness classes per day. Some are one right after the other.

I guess the thing that is running through my mind at the moment is, "Is this behavior healthy?" I eat everything I want and do not limit myself. But I work it off and sometimes, then some. The more I work out, the more I want to eat, weather it's my mom's super healthy food or a pizza. The whole "calories in--calories out" mantra of weight loss is working for me, but am I doing it in a healthy way? It makes me wonder sometimes.

I think about some of my friends that are struggling with weight loss, and I wonder, is it fair? What am I doing that sets me apart? Because I don't struggle with my weight, and even if I compulsively eat, my body doesn't show it. How many people will be frustrated and pissed when they find out I'm a size 4 and eat whatever the hell I want? I guess I'd just have to remind them the hours I work out. The many, many hours of me sweating on that bike, and in front of at least 50 people per day, teaching them how to battle the bulge.

As a fitness professional, am I setting a good example?

Post-breakup workout extravaganza!

Sometimes breaking up is good for the soul...sometimes it's good for the body too. After breakups, I tend to work out. More than normal...say several times a day.

I always feel as though my head clears when I am being active. I don't obsess about things I can't change, and am very accepting of my situation. Take yesterday for example...I offer to sub for a group strength class at 7:30am on a Saturday. That's dedication. Plus, I've got a Pilates/Yoga class to teach at 10am, just enough time in between to catch a snack and have a quick convo with my parents. Then, it's off to the trail to bike. We took it easy and only rode 25 miles, but still another couple hours of workout just to make sure the mind is clear. And to make sure I'm busy.

I was going to do a group ride today, but I don't think I'm physically or mentally ready. After four hours of solid workouts to include weight lifting, pilates, yoga, and cycling, I think my body needs a break. And this group ride is one that the ex and I used to do, so I'm just not ready to jump back into that scene.

Now to combat the soreness from the weight training...

Taking matters into my own hands...

If I had avid readers, I probably wouldn't have posted my last entry. I can just bet that there are many in this world that would have thought I am a horrible person. Whore, yes. But horrible person, I just can't live with that sort of shame.

So I have taken matters into my own hands, and have officially broken up with someone over the internet. I can't believe it. What does this make me? I'm just not sure, but I have to accept my fate noneltheless. A fate that definitely keeps me guessing. I offered friendship in this e-mail, but how will that happen? Do I now have just some old internet friend? We e-mail once a month just to be cordial? I guess we will see what happens.

I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My legs, however, are not feeling the same. You see, I biked 54 miles yesterday, and promptly after the ride, taught a spin class. Usually this isn't so bad (you just get used to it) but I crashed yesterday. Big bruises everywhere. Beautiful legs, beautiful bruises. Too bad they hurt like hell!

A question of morality...

So my blogging thus far has been sporatic at best. I should do this more often since I have time...it's summer and I don't have a whole lot to do since I quit my full time job. I hate restaurants, or at least working in them full time. I'm now just teaching fitness classes and living off of my student loan from last sememster. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but it keeps me sane.

So now I get to the title of my post...a question of morality. Let me give some background information:

So I've been dating someone for 2 months. It was going along very nicely, I thought he is the nicest guys I have dated (at least in a very long time). I was sitting pretty, just ready for this relationship to blossom. It blossomed quickly, on his terms, and it didn't take long for me to give in to his ways. This is how it always happens, but I wanted to trust this fellow. He's a nice guy. It will all work out, right?

Wrong. A few weeks ago, things started to change. I felt as though I went from priority one to the bottom of the list. Not good. After several intense conversations, there was still no resolve. I received an e-mail from him a week ago explaining a lot of things. It also had an invitation to talk about it more, but it also seemed to be a bit of a break-up e-mail. Yeah, I know. The worldwide web really sucks in the dating world. Unfortunately for me, this is not the first time this has happened.

So, I reply to his e-mail, accepting his invitation to talk. I was friendly. I was nice. I even said that I was happy that we had some time to think about the whole situation. I also called a few days later to just see how he is. The problem is, he hasn't made any effort to contact me since.

The reason why we aren't currently together is that he realized that he doesn't know how to be alone, hence the speedy courtship with me. He was ready to have someone, anyone there. He knew he had to change. I've been through this myself, and it's hard to go through. But it really is worth it in the end. I don't see this as a problem, it is what it is. My choice is how do I react to the situation? I choose to take the calm, peaceful route.

I have a sincere desire to talk to him for many reasons. To tell him that I respect what he's doing. That I really do want to be there for him, and I understand where he's coming from. That unlike the last time we talked, I feel like I am able to have a relationship with him while he's going through this. It would be a relationship of friendship for sure, because you can't exactly discover who you are alone if you're in a serious relationship. I feel like it would be such a waste to throw our friendship away because of this. Life isn't black and white.

So, it's been two weeks since I've seen him. I feel like he's no longer my boyfriend. But we haven't talked about it, so where do I stand? I understand that I need to give him space and I want to do that. But don't we need to have a conversation about our relationship and tie up loose strings? I've tried to contact him, but to no avail. I mean, I can't get all psycho and stalk his house. It's just not my style. And if he doesn't call me back, it's not my bad. I don't have the time to call him every day. Plus, that would be pretty psycho too.

I am emotionally detatching. I went on a casual date with someone else last night. It didn't feel wrong. We stayed up until 4am watching MTV and talking and laughing...but nothing else happened. I would have felt like that would have been wrong. Because even though I haven't talked to this other guy in two weeks, there seems to be some sort of thing in my head saying, "You have a boyfriend." But what kind of boyfriend is he? One that to date, hasn't called me in more than two weeks. And has said that he would. I just don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing. But what is the right thing to do here? I need to move on, weather or not homeboy is man enough to own up and work on salvaging our friendship. What to do....