Giving.

I have recently had some pretty astonishing realizations in the past month or so, and I am so excited with how they will affect my life. There are many things I have struggled with (I know, everyone has their own set of problems. I'm not alone) all because of such seemingly insiginificant things I experienced during my childhood. One of these, one that has impacted me the most, in the most difficult ways, is the crazy notion that I am somehow more worthwhile a person when I am in a romantic relationship. So I have struggled, begged, pleaded, stayed in bad relationships, made excuses for myself and my partners, have gone crazy when I've been dumped...the list goes on and on. This has become most apparent to me in recent days, while going through some relationship problems (duh) and seeing a sister's behavior, which mirrors my own.

One of the worst things I have done is to live in fear. Fear of being hurt, mostly, but also, and more importantly, fearing that once someone gets to know the real me, they will chage their minds and walk away. I can now attest one very positive aspect of drinking alcohol: this did not bother me when I drank. Liquid courage was literally that, and suddenly, I didn't care and my fears were set aside. But, now that I do not drink nearly as often as I used to, and I have been involved with someone that doesn't drink at all, the fear set in with a force I was not able to cope with. I was paralyzed when I was around him, unable to be myself because of my irrational fears. Naturally, things didn't work out so well between us. (Well, things are...we're working on some things. It's another story, and not the story I am focusing on. Maybe later.)

But the failed relationship is not the point. I finally was able to uncover something that has been bothering me for so long! I am so happy! The thing is, I have been looking for someone to give love to me. Although I am a giving person, I feel that my expectations in relationships are skewed, and I expect way too much, and do not give much in return. I will be changing that. A few days ago, I found an article on Oprah.com, and it really hit a nerve, in a good way. It helped me realize that I was focusing on the wrong things all along, and I could learn to give, and give freely in all situations and to all people. The author is having problems with her boyfriend. He has commitment issues, and refuses to tell her he loves her. She had tried everything, and was feeling pretty frustrated. One day at church, right before lent, she decided to go on a love fast. She was giving up her neediness for it, no matter how hard it was. Here is an exerpt:

One morning in the middle of my 40-day love fast, I awoke with a realization: I already had all the love that I needed. I had it from my mother and brother, from my friends, even from the memory of the love that my father had given me before his death. Consciously giving love to others—and seeing them spontaneously give it back—had made me recognize the love in my life more clearly. Most important, I had all the love I needed from God, or whatever you want to call that larger reality of the universe. I didn't need Joe's love. And yet, I still wanted it.

Of course, Joe is the writer's boyfriend. They do end up together, but she does make note that it could have gone the other way. Her love fast had prepared her for either outcome.

So kids, here's to fasting. And here's to giving. And here's to finally overcoming one more obstacle.

(If you would like to read the full article, follow this link: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200810_omag_love_fast)

You wanna know why? I'll tell you why.

So...I have been avoiding this specific situation for a long time. Ever since I moved back home, I have generally avoided most of the church members in the area. Since I don't want to be saved or be a project, I thought it would be best for everyone involved to just not go there. Well, some old friends invited me specifically to a Christmas party, and my parents assumed that I wouldn't be interested. They still told me about it, and after some thought, I decided to go. The majority of the individuals there were people that I grew up with, that I loved, respected and looked up to. It seemed to make sense at the time to go.

My parents and I went together, and when they saw what I was wearing, they freaked out. Apparently, my shirt was "just too much action since the crowd is older, they're just not used to seeing that kind of thing." Give me a break. I don't hang out of anything, a) because I don't think a b-cup could really 'hang' out, and b) I just don't wear clothes like that. Sure, it is a v-neck top, but I had a tank underneath it, and everything was tasteful. My mother brought out a cable-knit, crew neck sweater for me to wear instead. Thanks guys. Glad to know you appreciate your daughter for who she is.

At first, the party was great! I was able to catch up with so many people from my past, the ones who still loved me when I was an annoying teenager. But...Nothing gets me down more than a conservative, closed-minded asshole. I was apprehensive of the Mormon party because of people like this, and this time, I was totally right. Everything was great until the white elephant gift exchange. Naturally, I got picked last, and the present that was left were a buch of these ads that Mormons have put together for their youth. I included a couple of examples:





Everybody laughed, including me. Just my luck, the only non-Mormon in the room gets the MormonAds. Then, some dude I don't even know decides to say this, "Hey, look how things work out so well. The person that needs these the most got them!" Ok, man. I took it in stride. I was able to laugh about it, but why do you have to go on making comments about it? Then, when people were switching gifts, he kept on saying, "Hey. Don't take those from her. She needs them!" Just shut the fuck up, won't you? Because it was only funny when EVERYONE ELSE WAS LAUGHING.

When it was my turn to switch, I picked a lampshade. The largest lampshade I have ever seen. Not to be outdone, captain dipshit had something to say about that too. "Hey, I wanna see you out at New Years wearing that lampshade on your head while you're PARTYING!!" "New Years eve, you'll be PARTYING it up with that lampshade on your head!" Again, no one's laughing so SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH.

Why does this make me so angry? I'll tell you why. Don't assume you know anything about me because you know one measly fact about my religious status. So I'm not Mormon. That must mean I need help guidance from an ad campaign your religion started for your promiscuous, bratty teenagers. And that also must mean that I "party hard", and need lampshades to make drunken escapades that much more spectacular. Really. Thanks for the vote of confidence. You really have me pegged.

So that's why I generally stay away from Mormons and their activities. Because unless I know them personally, most Mormons usually PISS ME OFF.

I like, I like!

The first day of classes areu usually boring. Not for me. A teacher in my class was describing his wife and said, "Don't get me wrong, she's a nice lady, but she could go bear hunting with a switch."

Frankly, I wouldn't mind that if someone described me in that way someday. How badass is that?

I was also on the phone with a new suitor last night. When he asked how tall I am, I answered, "I'm five feet three inches of greatness." I know, I know. Sometimes I should turn the charm off. Just a little bit.

Now I'm getting political on your a$$

A summer full of a retarded schedule must equal to no blogging. I was about to write that I was unsure of why, but I think I know. For some reason, I have been in this weird depressed state over the summer, and I am trying to work through it. I think I wanted to work through it alone, and it has been working. Here's to progress.

So, I have some comments for the summer. First, I have decided that I need a May break, and an August break. I am exhausted, and school starts next week. The one good thing about it is that a) That means my fitness schedule increases so I can quit the crappy job I had and b) I will be on more of a set schedule so *maybe* I won't be so damn tired all the time? We'll see. I also backed off on some of my teaching, so I will be teaching about 15 hours per week instead of 20. I think that will help.

This semester will be really busy, but I am taking a lot of classes I am excited about, particularly biomechanics, the physiology of exercise, and Spanish. I hope that my reduced teaching schedule will leave more room for studying. We'll see how that pans out, since I'm such a lazy little bitch. ;)

My Olympic feevah is slowly subsiding. I want to keep Shawn Johnson in my pocket and let her out when I'm sad. Flip, Shawn! Flip! That would make me very happy. At the end of the day, it would be great to have her in the house, you know? You come home from a hard day's work, and she's there to flip and jump and twirl...anyway, enought about gymnastics. I would also like to marry Aaron Piersol. Backstroke to me, baby! So ladies, you can have Michael Phelps. I will take the backstroker any day.

Um, hi, Aaron. Um...are you wearing any pants? Well, they're really not necessary perse, I'm just asking:


But for real, I have promised myself that I will keep my options open with dating, and will try to not be such a scaredy cat. Ever since a BAD, BAD breakup last summer, I've been pretty closed off to opportunities and have exclusively tried to date guys that live out of town. I just need to get over it and be happy with me, and what I might find right in my own back yard. (But Aaron Piersol is a dandy alternative...even if it is a fantasy!)

Finally, to the theme of this post. I have finally gotten involved in politics a bit. For the first time in my life, I voted in the primary election. Even though my pick was not the ultimate winner (Hillary), I am still pleased with the result. Honestly, I was torn between the two, and my ultimate choice came down to health care. It seemed to me that Hillary's plan had a better chance of actual action compared to Barack's, but I am still hopeful for change. During my adult life, I have spent the majority of it uninsured, yet gainfully employed. I am tired of working my butt off while the unemployed individuals get coverage, and I don't get coverage because I'm not "poor enough".

I am also extremely frustrated with John McCain's choice of VP. Actually, I'm less frustrated and more annoyed and offended than anything. To me, it's like saying, "Hey ladies, you didn't get Hillary. Of course you were just voting for her because she's got a vagina, so here's a vagina for you to vote for. You don't really care about the politics anyway, now do you? Get back in the kitchen, and vote for your fellow woman come November." So, yeah, that was a little sarcastic, but really? Oooh, she's breaking the glass ceiling, but watch out. She will take away all of your rights of choice while she's at it. She will get all the glory, and if she has her way, your sisters, nieces, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and every other woman that might be affected by a violent sexual crime will not have a choice if they happen to conceive. That's right I said it. Let's set aside general choice. Let's talk about instances of rape, incest and endangerment to the mother and/or fetus. If Sarah Pallin has her way, women in America will not have a choice in those situations. That is not okay with me, nor is is okay with anyone I know.

This woman removes choice from the equation, and refuses to acknowledge extreme circumstances:


Do you agree? Disagree? I promise to not be a sarcastic bitch if we talk about it.

I'd better run. Before I offend anyone else. Honestly, though, I have been keeping up with just about everyone this summer. Eliza, congrats on baby Weston! Jackie, congrats on the house! Katie, I can't believe your little man is walking! Post a video already! Mel, congrats on hanging with Neil Diamond (well, almost--he looked just like him anyway)! And April, your kids are just adorable.

We'll see if I can keep this up. I've got no guarantee for ya.

My favorite song

Right now, this is my favorite song. I ADORE it. Listen to the words, and pretend he's singing about you. Making you feel very amazing.

Long time, no see!

Whew! What a crazy few months this has been. 2008 has brought so much to me, and I am truly lucky to have all that I have, despite all the ups and downs. I've been home from Hawaii for a week now, and even though I'm no longer in paradise, I'm glad to be back. But, check these out!

Beautiful flowers:



Exotic beaches:



Amazing food:



Amazing drinks:



Amazing adventures (Check out the North Shore SKYDIVING view!):



Palm trees:



And finally...North Shore chickens!!



When I left Hawaii the first time, I felt like I left so much behind. This time, I feel that even though I'm no longer in paradise, I came back whole, happy and ready to continue with my life just as it is.

It was a struggle to get through the end of the semester, but it all ended on a positive note, and I am excited for a break. It feels like I could sleep for a long time! I'm lucky that I have some time to do that this summer, although I'm still working quite a bit. And...working on the tan I acquired while in Hawaii might be in the mix a little too!;) I hope you enjoy the pictures!

Oops! I got tagged.

Katie tagged me! So I must oblige...

A - Attached or single? Eh, single. See last post. I'm feeling better, though. Time heals all wounds, for sure.
B - Best friend? My sis Nicole. Plus I have a lot of really awesome close friends all over the place!
C - Cake or pie? That's a mean question. Don't make me pick ONE! I'll take both and work out extra hard later. :)
D - Day of choice? Any day I get to Zumba or rock climb; even better, how about both?
E - Essential item? Chapstick. Food. Workout shoes.
F - Favorite color? Green, purple, red.
G - Gummy bears or worms? Bears. I like biting their heads off first! Muahahahahaha!
H - Hometown? La Crosse, WI
I - Indulgences? Travel, good food, workout gear.
J - January or July? July, unless it's January somewhere tropical. ;)
K - Kids? Goodness, no!
L - Life isn't complete without? Family, all my pals, working out.
M - Marriage date? NO THANK YOU.
N - Number of brothers and sisters? Two of the best sisters ever!
O - Oranges or apples? Fruit salad!
P - Phobias or fears? Fear of falling, being alone forever.
Q - Quote? Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it is the quiet assurance that you will try again tomorrow.
R - Reason to smile? So many reasons! Good family and friends, an awesome career path...
S - Season of choice? Summer, and it's almost heeeeeeeere!!
T - Tag six: Do I even have six friends? :D Whoever would like to reply I guess.
U - Unknown fact about me? I'm pretty much an open book. Um...one of the reasons why I teach at the jail is so the inmates can teach me hip hop! :D
V - Vegetable? Anything that my mom makes.
W - Worst habit? Being cluttered.
X - X-ray or ultrasound? Never had an ultrasound...
Y - Your favorite food? I'd probably have to say Mexican, or Sushi.
Z - Zodiac sign? Crabby little Cancer. ;)